Tuesday, August 11, 2009

Jesus Loves Fantasy Football



Jesus Said it best...

"Football is not a game but a religion, a metaphysical island of fundamental truth in a highly verbalized, disguised society, a throwback of 30,000 generations of anthropological time"



If football is a religion then fantasy football team owners are the congregation, and with the start of August and the end of baseball season (in Ohio) church is about to be back in session. For the past couple of weeks the RFL has been bustling with activity; expansion drafts, keeper decisions, trades, and general gayness from Rob, but the holiest time of the fantasy football year is still to come with the draft, the games, more gay stuff from Rob, and whatever else is thrown our way. Luckily the RFLPG will be here to cover it all in the most biased and poorly written way possible.

In this edition of the RFLPG I will take a look at who were the winners and losers in the pre-keeper trading period and what was the most interesting move out of all of the trades.

Before I do that however, what I would really like to take a second to focus on is something that was so ridiculous that it stuck out to me among the flurry of moves that have occurred over the last few weeks. No, not my awesome attempt to grab Dwayne Bowe and Clinton Portis during some bitches turn during the expansion draft.(fuck you bowl for catching that) But something that I really think should bring into question the place that this member has in the RFL and as a citizen of the United States. I think this photo clearly demonstrates the absurdity of what happened

I mean what the fuck, Buddies what are you thinking? Do you know the meaning of the word trade? Generally what a trade would be is one team giving up a thing of value to another team, who in return sends something of value back to the first team. I don’t know if you don’t like draft picks or if you are just an idiot Based on my past experience with you I am going to go with the latter. If this is the kind of shit that can be expected out of you Kevin, then I only have one thing to say… Thank god you are in my division.

Now on to some real shit.


KEEPER PERIOD WINNERS, LOSERS, and TIE(ERS)
In no real order:

Winners

Sunbury Bowls Bashers


Bowls dominated the draft pick trading and now boasts 8 overall picks between rounds 6-9. Add to that the fact that keeps two top wide outs, two above average quarterbacks, and a top eight running back when healthy, and you‘re looking at a team that has put itself in an excellent position going forward. To everyone who traded their sixth round picks to Bowl - You disgust me.

Da Ox Raw Dopemen


This is close to the most impressive group of keepers in Schaub, Brady, Barber, Slaton, and Colston and they have seven picks within rounds 6-9. While not as top heavy in the draft as the Bashers above they still are in an extremely strong position going forward and should have a really nice draft.



The Fighting Otters

The Fighting Otters boasts a very strong set of keepers with a top three of Rivers, Boldin, and Turner. Gore is nice too but is coming off a down year. They didn't make many moves to improve their chances in the draft and that could be something that ends up biting them down the road.


Montpelier Pink Baboonsies


The returning champion, Rob Bryant (Pictured left) makes the list of winners but barely. MJD is nice. However Romo has lost both TO and Jessica Simpson (although Roy Williams should be able to replace TO’s production on the field while Jason Witten replaces Jessica’s production off the field) and he is just no sure thing to be great. Add to that an average job at making trades for picks, with only four picks in the first four rounds, and this team will hopefully be hard pressed to win another title.


TIE(ERS)

Touchdown My Pants

Dominated the expansion draft by picking out of turn but ended up with an average bunch of keepers and a slightly above average set of draft picks. nothing to be too excited about but the team is not terrible either. The trade of Adrian Peterson was bold but questionable. Will need a strong draft but should be competitive in the Magneton Division.

Insano Flex

This team a pretty nice set of keepers in P. Manning, Peterson, and Fitzgerald but what the fuck man? No draft picks in rounds 6-9? Yeah you have good top of the line players but you know you're going to be filling some of your starter spots with Matt Slater and Skyler Green, both of whom averaged less than zero points per game last year.

Tiger Dogcats

Westbrook and Tomlinson form a pretty good backfield combo but Steve Smith is hurt and Eddie Royal has Orton throwing him the ball. Slightly Above average keepers and below average draft. This team bores me.



Losers (Pictured Right)



Buddies Blankets

You suck and I hate you. If you had that 22nd pick that you gave away you would be in the winners category. In all seriousness though. Fuck you.

Who Dey? All Day!

The keepers are poor in Hasselbeck, Ronnie Brown, Jacobs, Jackson and 8-5. None of them are in the top ten at their positions. The draft is pretty god damn awful. I’m glad you’re in my division as well and I look forward to seeing you lose on a weekly basis.

Girls

You’re girls, gross. Shouldn’t you be getting your hair done or stripping? You did solid in the expansion draft but I have to guess that was with the help of men. Kahle gets the nod in this matchup because she didn't trade away draft picks. I have to guess that Maggie (or her idiot brother) didn't know we only had five keepers so she made a retarded trade.

Boston Beagles

I am not convinced that this team actually has an owner. It does have two great Qbs and Wes Welker but I doubt they show up to the draft because they haven’t shown up in any fashion thus far. If that changes they might get some respect.

Most Interesting Move

Has to be Adrian Peterson for Andre Johnson. Usually in fantasy football top running backs are gold but one can’t forget that Andre Johnson out paced Peterson in PPG in points per reception leagues last year (which this league is) and with Peterson’s potential for injury it could work out. That being said AP is a yards and touchdowns monster who could make me get drunk on multiple Sundays if he has another outstanding year.

Least Interesting Move

Once again Kevin shows his stupid self, but this time Rob is involved. An 18th for two 18ths? Seriously, you guys are really pissing me off. Rob your trade block said you wanted picks but I didn’t know that meant basically worthless picks. Jesus.


Well that’s about all I got for this edition. I didn’t do a power poll because it would largely be a repeat of what was written above. I’ll try and post some kind of draft preview before August 20th but this stuff isn’t that easy to write. Feel free to comment here or on the message board and if you are interested writing something for the blog send me an email with your contribution at

Jeffery.j.Schmidt@gmail.com
. Try and make it something that involves commentary on the league and more than just a bash of every other team.



Until Then Peace.

1 comment:

  1. In defense of Maggie's trade, she is currently planning her own wedding which is just over a week after the draft and was apparently confused about the meaning of keepers. On the bright side, she doesn't have to keep Santana Moss.

    I would also like to inquire about Jeff's level of readiness concerning his future of being dominated by the Roush Family? I'm guessing you feel honored to be getting crushed by such an exceptional family.

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