Mocking the Draft

Well the draft picks are in and the Robry football League season is about to begin. In this edition of the RFLPG we’ll take a close look at the draft and see who came out on top and who sucked balls.


Obviously there is one pick that stood out from all the rest and rather than cover it specifically in this edition I am just going to show you what was written about it in a nationally respected newspaper.





Obviously taking Leftwich that early was the worst draft selection in the history of time. Even if Leftwich throws for 10,000 yards and one million touchdowns this year that move still blows big dick. On to the picks.

Best Picks

Kahle Bryant - Ryan Grant

I love this pick even though Kahle let the computer make it for her. Grant plays in a nice offense, behind a good offensive line and has put up solid seasons the last few years. Look for him to improve on his sub 4.0 YPC this year and be a fantasy stud for Kahle.

Da Ox Raw Dopemen - Anthony Gonzalez

I am a big fan of Gonzalez this year and word is he was almost taken number one overall in the draft. In the Colts offense he should really be outstanding.

Touchdown My Pants - Larry Johnson

Back in the good graces of his team and coaches and still the holder of immense talent LJ is poised to have a great year. Could yield outstanding value for a 7th round pick.

Buddies Blankets - Shaun Hill

Buddies finally made a good move with the selection of Shaun Hill. The former Maryland product has been named the starter and is surrounded by an ok group of talent.

Montpelier Pink Baboonsies - Shawne Marriman and Mario Williams

To get this kind of talent in the 13th round is pretty outstanding. Granted they are defensive players and not DeMarcus Ware, but pretty good.

Other picks of note: Ray Rice (rd 9) Chad Pennington (rd 8) Chris Cooley (rd 9) Chris Henry (rd 14) Nate Burleson (rd 14)

Worst Picks (Other than Leftwich)

Boston Beagles - Brandon Marshall, Willie Parker

Marshall is exceptionally talented but he has the attitude problems of sexually abused teen, Kyle Orton as hit quarterback, and a coaching staff that thinks he is garbage. Bad pick in the 6th. Parker just sucks.

Buddies Blankets - Marshawn Lynch


He’s suspended to start the year, and there was comparable talent available. Ugly. I know you have Jackson but it's still ugly.

Who Dey? All Dey! - Hines Ward


You reach for a old receiver when there is better talent on the board at the same position? Plus I thought you were a Bengals fan?

Sunbury Bowl’s Bashers - Cedric Benson, Knowshon Moreno, Ahmad Bradshaw

Why? Benson is not good at all and he plays behind a terrible O-line. You then went on to take two more running backs in the 8th round. You’re not building a pitching rotation we start two running backs. You took four rather unimpressive Rbs in the first three rounds.

Insano Flex - Chester Taylor

Your first pick of the draft, and you use it on Chester Taylor? You currently start both Adrian Peterson and Taylor. You do realize that every time Peterson carries the ball the likelihood of Taylor carrying the ball decreases by 100%. Also with Favre in town they won’t be splitting the same amount of carries.

Other crappy picks of note: Miles Austin (Rd 12) D’Qwell Jackson (Rd 13) Steven Gostkowski (Rd 14) Jerod Mayo (Rd 15)




PRESEASON POWER POLL


1. Da Ox Raw Dopemen

Two top of the line QBs, 3 sick Rbs, 4 nice WRs and a top 5 TE. The offense is there and the defense has the ability to be solid. This team is defiantly the class of his division and possibly the class of the league.

2. Montpelier Pink Baboonsies

The returning champs have put together a very impressive team. That is above average in just about every aspect. Pierre Thomas is much better than Reggie Bush but you can’t really argue with the recent fantasy results.

3. Tiger Dogcats

For some reason I always think this team is poop, but looking at the players it is actually pretty well put together. Westbrook and LT have their issues but are talented. The WRs are very well suited for the PPR format and the defense is well built. Respect.

4. Sunbury Bowl’s Bashers

The QBs both have questions and the running back situation is questionable with Jackson’s constant health issues but you can’t argue with the wide receivers. Probably the best group of them in the league.

5. The Fighting Otters


You team is nice but you took Leftwich. Kill yourself.

6. Touchdown My Pants

Pretty terrible QBs, but a nice trio of RBs and a solid core of receivers with Andre Johnson and Vincent Jackson leading the charge. This team will need some luck to compete with the big boys.

7. Kahle Bryant

With a nice creative team name this team is pretty solid. Very good QBs when healthy and two nice top wideouts. The backs are very steady. She loses points for being Robs sister and a girl.

8. Insano Flex

This team has four of the best players in the league and not much else. Peterson, Manning, Gonzalez and Fitz are great and really elevate this team. The rest of the team however is straight garbage.

9. Buddies Blankets

This team is Insano Flex light. They have four real good players in Cutler, Forte, White, and Witten but the rest of the team is dirt.

10. Boston Beagles

The QBs are full of awesome but everyone else, not so much. Parker and Smith are below average fantasy backs, and the wide outs don’t impress. Plus I still don’t think this team has an owner.

11. Maggie Roush

I look at this team and I don’t see a whole lot. McNabb and Garrard are older and have issues. Thomas Jones is splitting carries with two other backs. Housh and Jennings are both good WRs. Again it’s a girl and team sucks.

12. Who dey? All Dey!

Seriously. The best player on your team is a guy that Ochocinco. Don’t get me wrong. I love Ocho, but he can’t be your best player. You make me want to puke.


Well that's it for this time out. Next edition will have previews of the upcoming matchups and possibly an interview with another owner.

Conversing with Kevin

With the RFL Draft set to occur this Thursday, the RFLPG sat down with the owner/general manager of Buddies Blankets. This is the first interview for the RFLPG but the hope is that it will become a frequent occurrence in order to get feedback and opinions from the leagues owners.

RFLPG - Let’s start this off with the most obvious question. Do you know what the word trade means? And if so, how do you allow yourself to continue to make trades when it has been painfully obvious that you come out on the losing end every time?

Kevin Roush - The trade to which I assume you are referring is the trading of the 22nd pick to the DogCats for nothing. It was pure and simple a cost-cutting move. The Blankets play in a small market and we have to save where we can. Our organization did not think we could get a difference maker in round 22 so we figured we might as well sell it for some cap relief.

RFLPG - What do you think about the Magneton division? Can your team win it? Why on earth would you think it could?

KR - The Magneton Division seems to me to resemble the AL Central this year, in that there is no dominant team and it is very up for grabs. There is still a lot to be determined with who comes out on top after the draft, but the one thing that is for sure is that Who Dey? All Day! is an automatic win for everyone.

RFLPG - Besides your team, what other teams in the league do you think will have success this year?

KR - The pundits will talk about the defending champion Baboonzies and the gaudy amount of draft picks possessed by Sunbury Bowl's Bashers, but the team I'm looking at to excel this season is the Dopemen. Connor Miller consistently drafts and signs free agents better than any other team and I sincerely believe that he would have won the league last year had it not been for the unfortunate injury to franchise quarterback, Tom Brady, last season.

RFLPG - You recently responded to an article on the RFLPG in defense of your sister but did not offer a defense for the things said about you and your team. Does that mean you agree with the RFLPG article?

KR - To clarify, the advice I gave Maggie was to trade with Matt Redd and Shawn as much as possible (Shawn had been on a trade-accepting spree during that time period). Unfortunately, she misused that advice. This problem will not occur again.

But to answer your question, I am not in the business of defending my own moves. I let my team answer all your questions on the field.　

RFLPG - Do you have any specific strategy or plans for the upcoming draft? Besides sucking of course.

KR - The guy I'm really looking "hard" at is Visanthe Shiancoe. I always draft on penis size and whether or not I have seen a player's penis. It's just good business.

RFLPG - Week one you’re matched up against the Montpgetafuckingshorternameassholes. How do you think your team will match up? What do you think about Robry and his defense of the league title?

KR - The Montpeliar Pink Baboonzies are going to be a tough team with which to begin the season. It's still unclear how these teams will match up given that the rosters are incomplete.

However, to answer your question about RoBry's chances to a three-peat, I have to say the cards are stacked against him. Although he has a good draft, it isn't the best, and his keepers, I believe, hold great risks. Romo and Roy Williams have not looked to be on the same page since Williams joined the Cowboys. T.O. is old and on a poor offensive team with a poor quarterback in a cold city. Reggie Bush isn't even a starting running back and is also injury prone...there are just too many questions. To win the league again this year would take a Herculean performance by his defense, also known as "pure luck." You can't count out the Baboonzies...after all, that is how they won it all last season.

RFLPG - Lets say we both work at Panera. I am training you on the sandwich line and we need lettuce to be stocked up. I ask you to go to the back to get some. What would you bring me?

KR - I'd probably sleep walk into the refrigerator and get the greenest thing I can find...NO MATTER WHAT.

RFLPG - Give me your picks for the leagues division winners and who will make it to the RFL championship this year.

KR - In the Mewtwo Division, I can't go against the Baboonzies. Kahle has the strongest keepers, but you have to assume that the owner of Montpelier is going to rob his family blind of their assets and will somehow pull out the Mewtwo Division.

The Snorlax Division belongs to the Bashers. It's named after him for Christ's sake.

Maggie and Insano Flex go into this season with confidence, but Da OX Raw Dopemen are just too good of an organization to not win their division. Write that one down in pen.

As far as the Magneton Division is concerned, I have to have confidence in myself and go with the Blankets.

Assuming the top of the league is one conference and the bottom is another, I see the Dopemen knocking off the Bashers in the RFL Championship.

RFLPG - What two teams do you think will make it to the Superbowl in the NFL?

KR - I'm not really sure what the NFL is, I'm guessing it's some kind of RFL farm system type thing. But just off the top of my head, I'm going to say The Eagles over the Patriots.

RFLPG - If you’re Magneton, what would you do to defeat my Dugtrio?

KR - Well this is a tough one. First, I would probably put up a Light Screen to limit your special advantage. Next, I probably use something like Supersonic to confuse you. For the rest of the time, I would just use Tackle and keep you confused until you fainted. Frankly, that is just not a good matchup for me.

RFLPG - Do you have any closing remarks? Would you like to call anyone out?

KR - Yes, I would like to call out John Glenn. Suck my bahhls you rotten motherfucker!!!

I would also like to call out Maggie but I'll wait to do that during my toast at her wedding which will be 100% devoted to talking shit about her team.

I would also like to call out Kahle for no reason. Come get some!

Thanks for havin' me on the show, Jeff.

Well that's all for this edition. Look back after the draft for a review and a preseason power poll.

EDIT: It has come to my attention that Blankets does not play Baboons week one. I just looked at the thing that said Roush at Bryant. That is actually Maggie at Kahle. Girls... CHANGE YOUR NAMES!

Jesus Loves Fantasy Football

Jesus Said it best...

"Football is not a game but a religion, a metaphysical island of fundamental truth in a highly verbalized, disguised society, a throwback of 30,000 generations of anthropological time"

If football is a religion then fantasy football team owners are the congregation, and with the start of August and the end of baseball season (in Ohio) church is about to be back in session. For the past couple of weeks the RFL has been bustling with activity; expansion drafts, keeper decisions, trades, and general gayness from Rob, but the holiest time of the fantasy football year is still to come with the draft, the games, more gay stuff from Rob, and whatever else is thrown our way. Luckily the RFLPG will be here to cover it all in the most biased and poorly written way possible.

In this edition of the RFLPG I will take a look at who were the winners and losers in the pre-keeper trading period and what was the most interesting move out of all of the trades.

Before I do that however, what I would really like to take a second to focus on is something that was so ridiculous that it stuck out to me among the flurry of moves that have occurred over the last few weeks. No, not my awesome attempt to grab Dwayne Bowe and Clinton Portis during some bitches turn during the expansion draft.(fuck you bowl for catching that) But something that I really think should bring into question the place that this member has in the RFL and as a citizen of the United States. I think this photo clearly demonstrates the absurdity of what happened

I mean what the fuck, Buddies what are you thinking? Do you know the meaning of the word trade? Generally what a trade would be is one team giving up a thing of value to another team, who in return sends something of value back to the first team. I don’t know if you don’t like draft picks or if you are just an idiot Based on my past experience with you I am going to go with the latter. If this is the kind of shit that can be expected out of you Kevin, then I only have one thing to say… Thank god you are in my division.

Now on to some real shit.

KEEPER PERIOD WINNERS, LOSERS, and TIE(ERS)

In no real order:

Winners

Sunbury Bowls Bashers

Bowls dominated the draft pick trading and now boasts 8 overall picks between rounds 6-9. Add to that the fact that keeps two top wide outs, two above average quarterbacks, and a top eight running back when healthy, and you‘re looking at a team that has put itself in an excellent position going forward. To everyone who traded their sixth round picks to Bowl - You disgust me.

Da Ox Raw Dopemen

This is close to the most impressive group of keepers in Schaub, Brady, Barber, Slaton, and Colston and they have seven picks within rounds 6-9. While not as top heavy in the draft as the Bashers above they still are in an extremely strong position going forward and should have a really nice draft.

The Fighting Otters

The Fighting Otters boasts a very strong set of keepers with a top three of Rivers, Boldin, and Turner. Gore is nice too but is coming off a down year. They didn't make many moves to improve their chances in the draft and that could be something that ends up biting them down the road.


Montpelier Pink Baboonsies

The returning champion, Rob Bryant (Pictured left) makes the list of winners but barely. MJD is nice. However Romo has lost both TO and Jessica Simpson (although Roy Williams should be able to replace TO’s production on the field while Jason Witten replaces Jessica’s production off the field) and he is just no sure thing to be great. Add to that an average job at making trades for picks, with only four picks in the first four rounds, and this team will hopefully be hard pressed to win another title.

TIE(ERS)

Touchdown My Pants

Dominated the expansion draft by picking out of turn but ended up with an average bunch of keepers and a slightly above average set of draft picks. nothing to be too excited about but the team is not terrible either. The trade of Adrian Peterson was bold but questionable. Will need a strong draft but should be competitive in the Magneton Division.

Insano Flex

This team a pretty nice set of keepers in P. Manning, Peterson, and Fitzgerald but what the fuck man? No draft picks in rounds 6-9? Yeah you have good top of the line players but you know you're going to be filling some of your starter spots with Matt Slater and Skyler Green, both of whom averaged less than zero points per game last year.

Tiger Dogcats

Westbrook and Tomlinson form a pretty good backfield combo but Steve Smith is hurt and Eddie Royal has Orton throwing him the ball. Slightly Above average keepers and below average draft. This team bores me.

Losers (Pictured Right)

Buddies Blankets

You suck and I hate you. If you had that 22^nd pick that you gave away you would be in the winners category. In all seriousness though. Fuck you.

Who Dey? All Day!

The keepers are poor in Hasselbeck, Ronnie Brown, Jacobs, Jackson and 8-5. None of them are in the top ten at their positions. The draft is pretty god damn awful. I’m glad you’re in my division as well and I look forward to seeing you lose on a weekly basis.

Girls

You’re girls, gross. Shouldn’t you be getting your hair done or stripping? You did solid in the expansion draft but I have to guess that was with the help of men. Kahle gets the nod in this matchup because she didn't trade away draft picks. I have to guess that Maggie (or her idiot brother) didn't know we only had five keepers so she made a retarded trade.

Boston Beagles

I am not convinced that this team actually has an owner. It does have two great Qbs and Wes Welker but I doubt they show up to the draft because they haven’t shown up in any fashion thus far. If that changes they might get some respect.

Most Interesting Move

Has to be Adrian Peterson for Andre Johnson. Usually in fantasy football top running backs are gold but one can’t forget that Andre Johnson out paced Peterson in PPG in points per reception leagues last year (which this league is) and with Peterson’s potential for injury it could work out. That being said AP is a yards and touchdowns monster who could make me get drunk on multiple Sundays if he has another outstanding year.

Least Interesting Move

Once again Kevin shows his stupid self, but this time Rob is involved. An 18^th for two 18^ths? Seriously, you guys are really pissing me off. Rob your trade block said you wanted picks but I didn’t know that meant basically worthless picks. Jesus.

Well that’s about all I got for this edition. I didn’t do a power poll because it would largely be a repeat of what was written above. I’ll try and post some kind of draft preview before August 20^th but this stuff isn’t that easy to write. Feel free to comment here or on the message board and if you are interested writing something for the blog send me an email with your contribution at

Jeffery.j.Schmidt@gmail.com. Try and make it something that involves commentary on the league and more than just a bash of every other team.

Until Then Peace.

Welcome

Hi, hello, and welcome to the very first edition of the RFL Post Gazette, the most comprehensive form of coverage of the RoBry Football League.

You may be asking yourself "who is this fucking guy and why is he making a blog about a fantasy football league?" Well the answer is clearly that I have no girlfriend, hobbies, or life to keep me occupied. Plus I would like to document my domination of the league so that it remains on the internet for all time.

In the coming weeks this blog will be used to post standings, power polls, weekly picks, and general commentary on the league that will hopefully be far more comprehensive than the league message board.

The RFL Post Gazette will also be able to employ guest writers. If you're interested in posting your opinion on the league feel free to give me a shout and we can set something up to where you can post.

The first true edition will come following the August 12th keeper lock date. I'll be able to review the expansion draft, keeper winners and losers, and preview the draft.

Until then, Fuck you.